


Confessions

by Patricia1974



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 02:42:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10912665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patricia1974/pseuds/Patricia1974
Summary: Dean had earned a master’s degree in burying his true feelings into the deepest, darkest corners of his subconscious but now they fought their way back to the surface, kicking and screaming, and he had no choice but to acknowledge them.





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is written for the monthly 'sentence prompt' challenge of the facebook group All things Destiel and Cockles 18+
> 
> My sentence was 'I never meant to fall in love with you'
> 
> Thanks to the awesome tfw_cas for beta reading this for me.
> 
> Writing in another language, yeah, that's not easy. I'm not a native speaker. This is my first fic in English.

 

The events of the evening had left Dean exhausted. His limbs were heavy and aching and his body felt like it just went ten rounds with Mohammed Ali. Clearly his mind didn’t get the memo. Numerous incoherent thoughts were chaotically whirling inside his brain but ultimately they all spiraled down to one thing: the last words of his dying angel.

“Fucking damn it,” Dean mumbled, a frustrating edge to his voice, punching his pillow a few times.

After another round of tossing and turning, he gave up searching for some much-needed sleep and turned on his back, gazing into the pitch black darkness of his room. He rubbed both hands over his face and then blindly reached out to turn on the lamp on the bedside table. Instantly, a faint orange glow lit up his bedroom, leaving shadows seemingly chasing each other on the walls.

With a big sigh he stared at a crack in the ceiling. He almost lost Cas tonight. The dread that had tied his stomach in knots still hadn’t fully faded. He wouldn’t have been able to handle Cas’s death very well, if not at all. He had suffered a lot of losses in his life; good friends who had died because of him or Sam, but this one? Cas? That would have been the final nail to his coffin; that would have left him shattered beyond repair.

“I love you.” Cas’s dying words echoed through Dean’s mind on repeat. He pressed the heels of his hands against his temples. “Stop it,” he whispered desperately, willing the words to go away but they wouldn’t allow him to deny them, not this time.   
Dean had earned a master’s degree in burying his true feelings into the deepest, darkest corners of his subconscious but now they fought their way back to the surface, kicking and screaming, and he had no choice but to acknowledge them.

“Okay, fine,” he snapped. “But first things first.” He got out of bed and slipped his feet into his slippers. He snatched the dark grey robe that once belonged to one of the men of letters from the hook and threw it on while leaving his room. Before he followed his feelings to wherever they would lead him – although he had a pretty decent idea where the journey would end and it scared him shitless – he had to know if Cas had meant what he had said; if the words spoken with his last breath were truly meant for him or if they just had been the ramblings of a dying man…angel.

Doubt suddenly grabbed Dean by the throat. Cas probably hadn’t meant it. He was a frigging Angel of the Lord, a heavenly entity, an ancient being almost as old as the universe itself. How could he love him?

Dean took a deep breath before knocking on Cas’s bedroom door, almost hoping he wouldn’t be there.

“Yes? Ehm..enter.” He heard the gravelly voice of his best friend coming from inside the room.

Dean closed his eyes. So much for him hoping he wouldn’t be there. He took another deep breath in an attempt to untangle the coil of nerves in his stomach. There was no turning back now. He opened the door and stepped into the room with a grin plastered on his face.

Cas was sitting on his bed, with his back against the headboard, reading. His trench coat and his jacket were neatly draped over a chair and he had rolled the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows. All his clothes looked like they had just come from a store, not a trace of blood and dirt left on them. For a man – angel - who had been on the verge of death merely a few hours ago, he looked good; more than good even, he looked amazing. To be a powerful being sure had its perks, even if he was currently running on just a third of his grace.

Cas lowered the book he was reading and looked up. His ocean blue eyes met Dean’s, soft and filled with an endless wisdom and knowledge.

“Hello Dean,” he said. His voice, which sounded like single malt whisky that had been sitting in a barrel for decades, still had the power to send shivers down Dean’s spine. No one had the right to sound that sexy.

Dean swallowed around a lump in his throat, the grin on his face never leaving his lips. “Hi Cas. I…ehm…just came to check on you, see how you are doing,” Dean tried so hard to sound casual, but could not suppress the slight quiver in his voice.

Cas gave him a small smile. “I’m fine, Dean. Thank you.”

Dean nodded. He put his hands in the pockets of his robe, shifting from one foot to the other. Coming here was a bad idea. He should just leave right the fuck now and leave well enough alone. He didn’t want to feel what he felt. It made him vulnerable and he hated that. He had to stay strong. He didn’t need all that romantic and emotional crap in his life. He had tried it once and look what it had cost him. A whole lot of pain and heartache at the end of the ride. Besides, Cas was an angel, his best friend, and having romantic feelings for him while he didn’t even know how Cas felt about him was just not done. He didn’t want to lose him over this pile of nonsense.

“I’m glad to hear that, Cas. Just, ehm, rest now, recharge your batteries or whatever,” Dean said, trying to be funny and joke about it. He huffed out a laugh.

Cas just stared at him. He squinted his eyes and tilted his head, his brows knitted together in a frown. And wasn’t that just adorable.  
“Okay, so, ehm, I’m gonna head back now. Night Cas.” Dean turned around. He had to get the hell out of here before he could say something crazy. He felt stupid enough coming here in the first place. There was no need to add something else to the pile of bad decisions. Dean already had the doorknob in his hand, about to leave when Cas’s words stopped him.

“I meant what I said back in that barn, Dean. Why do you doubt me?” For someone who had only learnt about human emotions nine years ago and then had decided to embrace them and let them in, Cas sure sounded calm and collected and not in the slightest afraid to talk about it.  
Dean inhaled deeply, held his breath for a few moments and then slowly let it escape again. He turned back to Cas, his hands clenched at his sides.

“You picked up on that, huh?”

“It was hard not to.” The frown between Cas’s brows grew deeper. He shifted and sat himself at the edge of the bed. “They were so loud it was impossible not to hear them. I can always sense you, Dean. I thought you knew that.”

Dean shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” He put his hands in the pockets of his robe again and took a few hesitant steps further into the room. “So, you, ehm, really love me?”

Cas nodded. “Yes, I do.” His voice was nothing more than a whisper. Just like in the barn, he didn’t look Dean in the eyes, like he was ashamed to admit it, like he was afraid of rejection. But… if he could sense him he must have known how Dean really felt, unless he had buried his feelings so deep even Cas wasn’t able to reach them.

“And you had to be on the verge of death to tell me?” Dean raked his fingers through his hair. “It wouldn’t have hurt you to tell me a bit sooner, Cas.”

“You weren’t ready,” Cas said evenly like it explained everything.

Dean blinked in surprise. “Oh, and what? Tonight of all nights you decided I was ready?”

“No. But I was dying and I owed it to you to at least know how I felt.” He bit his lip and glanced away. “When angels die, they don’t go to heaven, Dean. We become one with the universe. I would have been lost to you forever unless my father decided to rebuild me like he has done so many times before.”

Dean inhaled a sharp breath. Losing Cas forever? The mere thought of it made him sick to his stomach. No, he definitely wouldn’t have been able to handle that. He went to the bed and slowly sat himself down on the edge of it next to Cas.

A few minutes of silence stretched out between them. Cas was the first one to break it. “You still doubt me. You still do not believe me. Why, Dean?”

Dean let his gaze shift around the room. “I can’t help but wonder whatever it is you have seen in me,” he answered softly. “The things I’ve done,… the blood I have spilled in hell, the tortures, and the fact that I started to like it.” He shook his head and stared at his hands in his lap. “My soul must be black as coal.” The sting of tears burned behind his eyes. The memories of his time in hell were still so vivid, like they had only happened yesterday. The pain and the guilt of what he had done was something he would carry with him until the day he died. He had found a way to cope, to go on, but it had never been easy.

A hand laid on his arm made him look up. A few tears escaped his eyes, wetting his cheeks. Remembering the horrible events of nine years ago kind of did that to him. That’s why he never liked to talk about it. Besides, it was his burden to carry, not someone else’s.

“No, Dean. Your soul was shining very brightly in that dark, cruel world. It was a beacon of light that guided me right to you,” Cas said, looking straight into his eyes. “I grabbed you and held you in my arms while carrying you out of hell. My wings were parched and one moment, I thought we wouldn’t make it. I would have given my life for you Dean, because you needed to be saved.” He held up his hand and gently wiped dry the wet trails the tears had left on Dean’s cheeks. “You know that we angels are the soldiers of God, deprived of every human emotion because they are the doorways to doubt. I never meant to fall in love with you, Dean, but I did. I may regret a lot of the things I have done, but I never regretted that.”

Dean stared at him, breathless, and with an almost overwhelming warmth building in his chest. Cas’s words had just taken away the last traces of doubt and in his eyes he read the truth. He licked his lips and cupped Cas’s face. With his thumb he traced the lines of Cas’s mouth and then he hesitantly leaned in, pressing his lips against Cas’s. It was nothing more than a soft brush of each other’s lips but it sent a jolt of electricity through Dean’s veins, making his heart skip a beat.

They backed away at the same time. Dean searched Cas’s face. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth when he noticed a pink color blooming on the angel’s cheeks. He slid his hand to the back of Cas’s neck and pulled him in again, reconnecting their lips.

Cas slipped his arms around Dean’s waist and took control over the kiss. He tentatively licked the seam of Dean’s mouth, demanding access, which Dean willingly gave him. Dean knew he was lost the moment Cas captured his tongue with his own and playfully tangled them together. Damn it, his angel was one hell of a good kisser.

Dean deepened the kiss. The scent of Cas, a mixture of cinnamon and watermelon heightened his senses. But beyond that, there was something else, another scent, something mystic and not from this world. It was faint, but it was there and Dean realized it was the scent that was all Cas.

There was nothing pornographic about the kiss and yet Dean couldn’t help but feel something growing behind the thin fabric of his boxers, hidden by the robe. He ignored it. This wasn’t another meaningless hook up he picked up at a bar or a nameless, faceless waitress from some diner. This was Cas. It was all so new for both of them and he didn’t want to ruin it by moving too fast and doing something they both weren’t ready for yet.

They broke the kiss to get some air into their lungs before they could pass out from the lack of oxygen.

Dean pressed his forehead against Cas’s and closed his eyes. He felt Cas’s warm breath caressing his face and in that moment he decided to make a leap of faith. “Can I…can I stay with you tonight?” he asked, barely audible. He laced their fingers together. “Just to hold me. I need you, Cas.”

This was one hell of a confession. Dean always had a hard time to admit and accept certain things he wanted or needed; let alone to voice them and actually ask for them. It was the result of putting himself second for years on end, always making sure the needs of others came first, thereby neglecting his own wellbeing. Exposing himself like this, now, in front of Cas, frightened him more than any demon or monster out there. It was terrifying and, yet he knew he could trust his angel. Cas would never do anything to hurt him. He’d killed a reaper and broke a blood oath to save him for crying out loud.

“Of course you can stay Dean,” he heard Cas say with a tender tone to his voice, and Dean breathed a sigh of relief; not that he had thought Cas would have said no.

Dean shrugged off his robe and crawled underneath the covers. He watched as Cas got rid of the rest of his clothes. He licked his lips at the sight of Cas’s naked torso and almost forgot how to breathe. Damn, Cas was beautiful. He silently told his dick to behave. This was not the time.

In only his boxers, Cas clambered onto the bed. Dean turned on his side, not minding being the little spoon. He wanted it; he needed to be held.  
Cas slung an arm around Dean’s waist and pulled him flush against him, their bodies slotting together like they were made for each other. He gently rubbed Dean’s belly in a soothing gesture.

Dean put his hand over Cas’s, lacing their fingers together. The warmth of Cas’s chest against his naked back was comforting. He chuckled. He never liked chick-flick moments, and yet here he was, living in one. He couldn’t care less though. The only thing that counted was that for the first time since his mom died that fatal night so long ago, he felt loved again and safe in the embrace of his angel. It was all that mattered.


End file.
